This was originally written on June 28, 2008
Since I moved back to Japan last summer, some things inside me changed drastically while some remained the same. Tokyo is really a strange place, not necessarily like how it's described in "Lost in Translation" movie, but maybe a little bit....
You get on a subway at 8, which is like the worst time of the day to catch a train. While Japanese people are very sensitive to their personal space, nobody seems to care about the "personal space" on the train. Your boobs smashed against someone else's arm, back, people don't even act uncomfortable.
Ok, you get off the train, everybody tries to beat everyone else on the stairs/escalators. People have no expression on their face, which still is a big mystery to me to this day. Here many people look like robots; no smile, no thank you, no joke, no laugh. Of course not everyone, but many.
At least more than 3 or maybe lot more trains stop because someone jumps in front of the train and commit suicide. Things you hear is not a word of sympathy. Rather, you hear "Oh again?" "Oh please, I'm gonna be late" "Wish they'd die somewhere else" not many people verbalize but for sure people care a lot more about them getting to the office on time than the fact someone was suffering so much enough to jump in front of the train, and the deceased person's family owes 20 million yen (200 thousand dollars) for clean ups.
I had been struggling with some things and purposely stopped going to church. I went maybe once a month or every other month. I chose being alone and struggle alone. I chose the suffering over love. I denied comfort, warmth, love, restoration, deliverance, and sometimes the truth God offered. It has been the most painful days of my life. I was cutting my hair without even realizing. I just wanted to disappear before committing any more sins against God. God, on the other hand, never took my life away even when I pleaded with all my heart. He always told me Jesus took all my sins, and today I must live according to His purpose.
Some time passed. I began to think, or realize should I say, that the main reason so many Japanese people commit suicide every year, which number has been increasing every year, is lack of community. There is no community people can rest, share, be true to one another, love, and to be loved. I recall the short time I was in Hawaii. The people I was with were just incredible. I can't even describe how sincere and genuine they were. The true family, the true community surrounded me and loved me, and they were so close to each other. There was no need of worrying being judged. There was no need of worrying being betrayed.
Christian or not Christian, God has intended human to live among communities. Nobody can take this pain by herself. This world is too harsh and complicated to live alone. Boyfriend/ girlfriend isn't enough, acquaintance and co-workers aren't enough. Everyone needs "family" that loves him/her unconditionally, and feeling the need for the community isn't a sign of weakness. It's 100% human to desire for the community. It doesn't have to have a name "Community Group" or "Life Group" or whatever (I don't have anything against them at all), but here in this nation, we do, need to realize and rebuild the community we have abandoned.
4 件のコメント:
I'll get back to you on this one. Have a job interview to get today. Look for a in depth response when you get up Tuesday morning.
Its understanble that the average Japanese citizen( at least in the big cities ) are unhappy. We touched on this before in part with the long work hours & that the company/country comes first. It also doesn't help that some marry purely for financial/survival reasons & not for love. Your countrymen/women have so little free time & deal with so many people all day its no suprise they just want to be left alone at the end of the day or relief stress with friends. There have been psychological studies that people in high dense populated areas lose some of thier humanity and become selfish, pent up anger or depresion, stressed out, uncompassionate, indifferent to the suffering of others. This same study found just the opposite with people in small towns.
I understand the pain you have/are gone/going through. I went through 21 years of depression & depair having failed time & time again not being able to find a women who could love me for who & what I am. Just a simply nice guy. The dreams I had were that of a wife & daughter of my own. I believe it took a toll on my health in which failed me in 2007. My work attendance suffered to the point I lost a great job & benefits. And now striggling just to stay employed let alone come anywhere close to what I had.
Anyway I finaly had to let go of those dreams in order to survive. Reguardless of how God did it shim healed my soul. So despite feeling I had nothing to offer, nothing more to give ( burned out ), sacrificed & suffered so much surely God would have mercy & take me from this earth. Finaly, finaly I would be able to serve then. Knowing beyond all reasonable doubt that I would be doing what, where & how God wanted me to serve. However no matter how much pain I was in, I still awoke the next day. If God went through the trouble to heal me then thier must be something worth saving, something I have yet to do. It can be so frustrating when God knows you have faith & believe, but will not directly tell you the who,what,why & how.
Before I can care for others I must be able to care for myself. I spent two years being unemployed and no matter what I did no one would give me a chance. My efforts to get back into my old line of work failed not once, but twice when the same position was up the following year. For awhile I thought perhaps I'm here just to look after my mother & maybe after she left this earth I'd not be far behind living with partially controlled Diabetes. Still struggling to stay employed since my skills don't transfer well in the civilian world ( 17 yrs of Aircraft Avionics Maintianence ). I had a job recently for 6 weeks that I could do just fine, but to slow for thier needs. I always felt that if I did my best God would do the rest. I did so & now another chance awaits this Wenesday.
No matter the struggle my faith is what has saved me. I simply will not give up on God & shim has returned that sentiment. I understand that God treats all of shims children equally thus therefore can't directly intervene. Or as the saying goes Gods helps those that help themselves. I think of it as meeting shim halfway.
I had been looking for a means to give back & seek that community you mentioned. Maybe after, if I can keep this new job, I'll look into it. I'll never be happy in my life, but for as long as I can serve God in my own way I'll be content.
Oh afterwards I remembered an old saying of mine. "What is this life compared to eternal life? Nothing, but an old faded memory". Thus I'm not worried about the struggle(s) ahead.
Hi Hiroko,
Think we can be friends!!! ^_^ I am from SIngapore and a fellow sister in Christ. I am a subscriber to your channel and I enjoyed your videos. I understand what you meant. I think it has to do with urbanised modern societies nowadays. I went through that in my life too. I personally think when you go through that stage of life, you will feel better if you talk to someone about it. We all need a helping hand to pull us up or push us a little when we are on the verge of giving up. Don't condemn yourself because of that. It's a bit harder when Our heavenly Father is not someone you can see or touch. But He is in you and you are in Him. Cheer up? ^_^
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